I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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