I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.