I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
