Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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