God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.