True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.