Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?