I just pynch a tree in the face
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail