My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I checked into jail on foursquare
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...