If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.