why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
