My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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