I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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