Yo dont text me then not text me
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
