no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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