Kareoke will never be a sober sport
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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