I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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