My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
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he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
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you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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