i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
