Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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