Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
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I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
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If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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