Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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