just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
