well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
