I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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