Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
that may or may not have been my penis.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize