how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring