this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
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You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
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guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.