my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room