Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I need a beard to bite.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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