so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
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he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
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