she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
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btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
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Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die