apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.