Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
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I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
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Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day