I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
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I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
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Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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