You smell like stripper and shame
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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