dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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