Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
