remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
