I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
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Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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