Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
