so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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