its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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