I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
