my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
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My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
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im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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