Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
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I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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