Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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