I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
