I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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