im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Randomize
