Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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