Dude, you need to talk to your mom
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo