how can u be prego again
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.