remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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