fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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