I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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