Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
