So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
