i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at